There’s a certain comfort I find in writing. There’s a familiarity of the smell and sound of a wooden pencil to a blank sheet of paper. There’s naturalness in the direct connection between my brain and the ballpoint pen gripped between my fingers as it glides across the page. The gentle “tappa-tap-tap”ing of the keyboard under my too quick and clumsy fingers is a kind of soft background music to the thoughts buzzing around my head. I find a certain solace in letting my words spill out in a way I could never articulate aloud. I find myself when I let my words pour out and take with them all the sorrows, fears, anger, joys, and uncertainties I’ve been harboring, whether I’m consciously aware of their existence or not. What I write is the truth, even if only on paper. It’s some version of my truth. It’s someplace for me to both hide and be more transparent than I’d ever publicly allow myself. Writing is my happy, sad, and safe place.
My words leave me feeling both powerful and powerless. My words are all I have, all I am, all I’ve ever been, and all I can ever hope to be. No other activity, craft, or love could offer me the same comfort and hope that writing does because I know, at the very least, that for all the tears, effort, trust, and love I put into it, it will always, without fail, be there when I need it most. It is the one thing in life I know I can rely on day in and day out.
“Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
What’s the best and most miserable place to be? In love.
Building so much with someone just to part as “friends” and watch all of it be washed away like the mascara that dripped from my eyes last night? That’s tough. Wanting the torture to continue by subjecting myself to friendship just to keep him in my life? Stupid. So stupid. I love and hate him. And he knows it. And all I get for almost two years is “I’m sorry” and too many photos and reminders to count and too many memories to let me sleep. Great.
So. Now what? Now he’s leaving to live his dream, and I couldn’t be more proud and happy for him and more sad and miserable that I can’t even be a little part of it. Because he doesn’t want me to be. And because either way, I’m here. I’m here without the support from him that I thrived on and without the motivation to get my ass in gear and without something to work toward. He never really knew how much it all meant to me, and I guess I’ll never tell him because he’ll either feel bad or just not give a damn, but this was so much more to me than it was to him. But I guess maybe he knows that, but I’ll never say it to him. I’d really rather be alone than ever go through this again. The girl who’s so in love with love is done. Because what this, and the past, has taught me is that even if I can unknowingly answer all your stupid pre-qualifiers right, even if I share all my secrets, try new things and have new interests, even if I’m the most fun, funny, quirky person to be around who can always make you smile, laugh, and feel better… I still won’t get the love that I give. I never have from anyone. So I’m done. I guess I need to be selfish now too. I hate to see the selfless part of me go, because I’ve always been a little proud of that, but it’s also what’s always help me back.
But as long as he’s happy, I guess that’s all that matters. To him anyways… and to me.
I wish I could say more, but it’s not my place or time to say yet. All I can say is that I am more proud than I have ever been of any other person. I knew this day would come, and even though you stopped believing in yourself and this path, I never did. you’re an amazing person and deserve the world. I’m so happy to be sharing this with you and look forward to all the new experiences this is bringing not just you, but for us both. I guess the big scary Plan I initially hated and feared is going into play. I accepted it as a last resort, but now I’m actually looking forward to it and glad that someone was thinking ahead and more prepared than I was. It’s going to be a crazy, stressful, exciting few months… and then a few more… and then a few more… but eventually, if we keep working as hard as we have been and keep up the give and take, it’ll be so worth it.
So for now, I have to put aside the sadness the distance is giving me and how daunting the time is and just focus on the pride and joy (I literally cried I was so happy) and excitement of traveling and visits and all the new experience and taking steps toward where we want to be. I’m so happy we’re taking those steps together. And I think I needed to write out my fears and hopes and feelings all out to feel more at peace and comfortable with it all. Maybe the next step is vocalization…
Fear is something to be moved through, not something to be turned from.
To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.
It is a risk to love. But what if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does.”
- Peter McWilliams
Stumbled across some fantastic quotes today that I had to share.